hello, perfect job

Hi there, perfect job. It's me, still. Just waiting for you to call me back. Did you get my message? This morning? And the three yesterday? Oh, and the one on Friday. I'm pretty sure I left a message. You might consider me just "phoning it in," but when I don't know where you live, it's a little hard to do more than that. I could just go door to door; I could just try out some streets and start pounding, but that might be embarrassing or a waste of time, or many other horrible things that prevent me from even leaving my apartment. (I mean, honestly, sometimes I'm calling just hoping for your voicemail. Then we don't actually have to talk!, but at least I know I did called you.) But then there are times, like now, when I'm tired of playing games.
I would love to meet up perhaps Monday morning - or, wait, I was going to go to a Spin class on Monday morning. Well, I could do Monday afternoon, if you're free. Anytime -- anytime at all-- after one p.m. Or Tuesday morning would be great. Shit, actually, I'm going to be watching Gossip Girl and drinking on Monday night, so I might need to sleep in on Tuesday to get myself back on track. And then I like to go to the gym so I can Really get back on track. That way, I'm in perfect mental shape to hit up a new Perfect job. So, anytime after 2 pm on Tuesday would also work for me. Wednesday is out because I rented a Zipcar to shop at the outlets -- but that is job-related; I'll be getting work clothes (I need new things for fall!) - and I have to go to the outlets because I need to conserve my cash (no job!!), and everything I ordered on Bluefly is just too big in the waist and too small in butt (a continual problem for me, you have no idea, shopping is soooo hard). Online shopping is really convenient for a busy person for me, but when you have to return stuff, that just takes up a whole day-- printing out the forms and taping it up and dropping it off and all that stuff. Agh! I'm getting stressed just thinking about it.
I can also meet Thursday or Friday, anytime. Like between 12 and 12:30, would be great. And could you call or text me (I'd prefer a text) if you think I'm going to have to wait in your office for longer than, like, ten minutes? That would be great, cause then I could just come at that time, like 12:15, if you think I'm going to just wait those 15 minutes anyways. Super!
And I've attached my resume - I know my Theater major doesn't convince you of my marketing and publishing skills, but seriously, I went to a good school, and I'm sure you're going to get lots of applications from people who, sure, maybe they've been in the field, interning, or whatever, for years, but a lot of them probably don't have college degrees. And there's just something to be said about being a college graduate. I can really work under pressure. I mean, when you're hungover, on no sleep, have 2 hours to turn in a term paper you haven't even started, and you have to get ready for pre-game beer pong, you are dealing with pressure. I didn't have any term papers, as a Theater major, but we did have to memorize sooo much stuff, in a really short period of time, and, so, well, I obviously can remember whatever Excel shit you need me to learn. I've been emailing since 1997, when I was still in middle school.
So if you could shoot me back with an exact time we could meet, I'd really appreciate it. I'm very available. (Just text though, in case I'm at the gym or on the other line or something)
Thank you so very much,
Your Hopeful New Hire!