The Cougher

All through the movie she did this hack-cough thing. But it wasn’t a cough, it was like she was getting a tickle out, but it was all phlegmy and sounded like a fart. And she would glottal it, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-hem. I can’t write how it sounded, that doesn’t look at all like how it sounded. But when it first happened, I remember being impressed that she gathered so much before the ‘hem’. If I was telling you this story out loud, it would be easier. Point is, it wasn’t just your average clearing-of-the-throat. And then she started doing it every two minutes. Sometimes it was twice in one minute. If she sniffed, I knew a mouth fart was coming. Otherwise, it was about every two minutes. Once and a while, I would think “it’s been longer than 2 minutes!” and then I would wait, in a wishing but ultimately pessimistic manner, the way you do when a cd skips, and you hope it doesn’t do it again, and just keeps going, but you know that it will skip again, soon, and for a longer period of time, and you will eventually have to get up and turn it off, find out why it’s skipping. And so of course, she would mouth fart again. I never lessened in annoyance to it. And I started hating her more and more. She was also scarfing down popcorn, like eating it so fast, and never ever pausing. Maybe that was it; maybe she had a kernel in her throat. It’s also a very weird thing that people need so much food at the movies. I mean, we’ve all gone 2 hours without food before, and at the movies, we’re just sitting there enjoying ourselves. Not doing anything. Not burning a single calorie. Well, probably one, cause they always say like “you burn 11 calories frowning and 7 smiling” or something, so one of those is bound to happen in the course of a movie. But also it’s weird that people eat this popcorn, which is not a silent food; everyone can hear you chomping! And if you’re still chomping, like, an hour into a movie, don’t you feel like a pig? No one else here has to be eating right now. Why are you? This bitch was. And I just hated her and her fat desires and her fucking cough thing. And whenever she would cough, I would look at her with a stare that said “stop that and I hate you” and she never once acknowledged it; I still kept doing it every 2 minutes. A few times I said “shut up!” (okay, very quietly, but after I finished the words I couldn’t believe I had just said it out loud) and most of the times I would do my own cough, a quick “a-Hem!” to show her how quick and easy it can be, and effective if it’s that kernel she’s after. She didn’t care. Probably didn’t hear me over her eating.
And then, after the movie finished and I saw her in the hallway, dizzy from the sudden switch to light and reality, I thought in my head “I hate you.”
But then I realized she wasn’t really fat, and so I figured that maybe that popcorn was all she ate today, and that was why she was so hungry, and I couldn’t really picture her face making that cough/fart; I started to like her. So I said to her:
“are you at this movie alone because you’re single?” And she just stared at me—I didn’t blame her, it is what I expected. And then I said, “Wanna know why you’re single?” Again, she just stared. She has a great nose; really hard to picture the cough fart with such a feminine nose on top. And I continued: “It’s cause you do that coughing thing. C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. That a-aa-a—a-a-a-a-a-a—a-a-a-a-hem. It sounds almost like a fart. From your mouth. It’s gross and really annoying. And the thing is, I think you don’t even realize you do it. Do you realize you did that every two minutes throughout that whole movie? Very annoying. So imagine if some guy is trying to sleep next to you, you can’t fall asleep, you’re doing that a-a-a-a-a—a-a-a-a thing. Gross. Anyways, I think you need to realize you have this habit. I had a bad cold once in grade school, and always had to clear my throat, and then I just couldn’t stop. I cleared my throat all the time. But I didn’t know I was doing it. And then one day at dinner, my dad said ‘stop doing that cough!’ And I, you know, I looked to my mom, cause who was he to tell me I couldn’t cough! Mom! I have a cold, or something, I can cough right?! I didn’t even know I was! And she said “Yes, it’s so annoying Bethie, you need to stop that habit.” …. I know! And I didn’t even realize that could be a bad habit, but anyways, I thought I would share the wealth! And tell you. That you’ve got that bad habit, and you can control it, and then maybe get a date or something.”

And she said “And are you here alone because you are such a bitch?”

And I liked her even more. Maybe we could start going to movies together. Screw dates. I’ll eat some popcorn. She’s gotta stop with that cough though. So annoying.