Nested

Ms. ___ started listening to Christmas music the day before Thanksgiving this year. Usually she waits until the day after. It's a tradition, not just for her, but for the whole country, she thinks. Radio stations set this tradition perhaps. Or was it her mother? Either way, it works. Thanksgiving sneaks up on you just as you were enjoying fall, and then you can't believe you're hearing "Silver Bells" and there are Christmas lights on the main streets. But this year she didn't really enjoy fall. She didn't really enjoy summer, come to think of it. She is not in despair over this, however; she is looking forward to Christmas. One might think she has a negative outlook on things because nothing, not a thing, has worked out for her since ... well, she can't even recall the last time something great happened. Years ago. When she made lots of friends and got a better desk and fit into all her old skirts and still enjoyed cocktails and appetizers nightly. That was a good time. For a while after that, things didn't get terribly worse, until recently, but nothing got better. Indeed, she doesn't have that much reason to really be looking forward to Christmas this year. She has no gifts that she is excited to give to anyone, nor is she expecting anything. Nor does she want anything. What could she need? Only things she can't ask people for. You can't wrap up an MRI.
As much as she is looking forward to Christmas (which is a lot), she is equally fearful of the depressing time when it's all over. That empty feeling; she still remembers that feeling from childhood the day after a birthday. The disbelief in how one gets through 364 more days until that special feeling again. She's trying to plan for that dark, cold time now. But she just looks at more cookie recipes instead. Maybe she will just eat cookies every day every time she feels lonely. She's done it before and knows they are better friends than most of the ones she has. Oatmeal, chocolate chip, peanut butter. And her. Of the four of them, she's definitely the Miranda.
On a nice, slow walk home a few nights ago, she very much enjoyed listening to Christmas songs through her ipod shuffle (a gift from last year, it still has the songs her brother put on it: Christmas songs, Kenny Loggins, some Beatles, and Alicia Keys. He thought she would enjoy her; she does, but she's sick of it now a little bit.) On the night of this walk home, George Winston was playing the piano through her earphones and it was pleasant outside, not windy at all. It was dinnertime, according to most of the families she [spied] through the tall windows of million-dollar brownstones. Strings of light twinkled the shiny new of early-December-decorations, but were still not as bright as the moon, which was full, and brilliant. It was a perfect walk. Once she realized this she began to get sad. Tomorrow would probably get colder.
She keeps making cookie dough and freezing it. Four different kinds in tinfoil in her freezer. She doesn't want to bake them yet.
Something needs to happen, and she needs to make it happen. But she's paralyzed by this holiday season; you can't start something new when everyone's about to have a week of vacation! She'll wait. She's also having a hard time leaving her apartment. [Her bed, somedays.] Perhaps ... perhaps if you spend Christmas with no one, you can pretend like it hasn't happened yet. She'll need more freezer space.

The Cougher

All through the movie she did this hack-cough thing. But it wasn’t a cough, it was like she was getting a tickle out, but it was all phlegmy and sounded like a fart. And she would glottal it, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-hem. I can’t write how it sounded, that doesn’t look at all like how it sounded. But when it first happened, I remember being impressed that she gathered so much before the ‘hem’. If I was telling you this story out loud, it would be easier. Point is, it wasn’t just your average clearing-of-the-throat. And then she started doing it every two minutes. Sometimes it was twice in one minute. If she sniffed, I knew a mouth fart was coming. Otherwise, it was about every two minutes. Once and a while, I would think “it’s been longer than 2 minutes!” and then I would wait, in a wishing but ultimately pessimistic manner, the way you do when a cd skips, and you hope it doesn’t do it again, and just keeps going, but you know that it will skip again, soon, and for a longer period of time, and you will eventually have to get up and turn it off, find out why it’s skipping. And so of course, she would mouth fart again. I never lessened in annoyance to it. And I started hating her more and more. She was also scarfing down popcorn, like eating it so fast, and never ever pausing. Maybe that was it; maybe she had a kernel in her throat. It’s also a very weird thing that people need so much food at the movies. I mean, we’ve all gone 2 hours without food before, and at the movies, we’re just sitting there enjoying ourselves. Not doing anything. Not burning a single calorie. Well, probably one, cause they always say like “you burn 11 calories frowning and 7 smiling” or something, so one of those is bound to happen in the course of a movie. But also it’s weird that people eat this popcorn, which is not a silent food; everyone can hear you chomping! And if you’re still chomping, like, an hour into a movie, don’t you feel like a pig? No one else here has to be eating right now. Why are you? This bitch was. And I just hated her and her fat desires and her fucking cough thing. And whenever she would cough, I would look at her with a stare that said “stop that and I hate you” and she never once acknowledged it; I still kept doing it every 2 minutes. A few times I said “shut up!” (okay, very quietly, but after I finished the words I couldn’t believe I had just said it out loud) and most of the times I would do my own cough, a quick “a-Hem!” to show her how quick and easy it can be, and effective if it’s that kernel she’s after. She didn’t care. Probably didn’t hear me over her eating.
And then, after the movie finished and I saw her in the hallway, dizzy from the sudden switch to light and reality, I thought in my head “I hate you.”
But then I realized she wasn’t really fat, and so I figured that maybe that popcorn was all she ate today, and that was why she was so hungry, and I couldn’t really picture her face making that cough/fart; I started to like her. So I said to her:
“are you at this movie alone because you’re single?” And she just stared at me—I didn’t blame her, it is what I expected. And then I said, “Wanna know why you’re single?” Again, she just stared. She has a great nose; really hard to picture the cough fart with such a feminine nose on top. And I continued: “It’s cause you do that coughing thing. C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. That a-aa-a—a-a-a-a-a-a—a-a-a-a-hem. It sounds almost like a fart. From your mouth. It’s gross and really annoying. And the thing is, I think you don’t even realize you do it. Do you realize you did that every two minutes throughout that whole movie? Very annoying. So imagine if some guy is trying to sleep next to you, you can’t fall asleep, you’re doing that a-a-a-a-a—a-a-a-a thing. Gross. Anyways, I think you need to realize you have this habit. I had a bad cold once in grade school, and always had to clear my throat, and then I just couldn’t stop. I cleared my throat all the time. But I didn’t know I was doing it. And then one day at dinner, my dad said ‘stop doing that cough!’ And I, you know, I looked to my mom, cause who was he to tell me I couldn’t cough! Mom! I have a cold, or something, I can cough right?! I didn’t even know I was! And she said “Yes, it’s so annoying Bethie, you need to stop that habit.” …. I know! And I didn’t even realize that could be a bad habit, but anyways, I thought I would share the wealth! And tell you. That you’ve got that bad habit, and you can control it, and then maybe get a date or something.”

And she said “And are you here alone because you are such a bitch?”

And I liked her even more. Maybe we could start going to movies together. Screw dates. I’ll eat some popcorn. She’s gotta stop with that cough though. So annoying.